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Wife Swap
Transcript (Scene cuts to Sadie feeding Baby Rechid at a food court in the mall) Baby Rechid drops her bottle and some milk squirts onto her face. Sadie grabs a napkin and wipes her face. Sadie: "Ha ha. You're such a cute baby. If only Nat was your father and not Fred. You would be so much better looking. I guess my beauty just didn't make up for Fred's averageness. I would be much happier too with the hottest and nicest man in Bikini Bottom as my husband. If only..." A producer sits down at the table next to Sadie. Producer: "Where am I going to find two families to be on the new Underwater Wife Swap episode next week? As if this could get any worse, the ratings for this show are already at almost rock bottom!" Woman(sitting at another table): "Hey! My family lives in Rock Bottom! Don't talk about my town that way!" Producer: "Sorry, ma'am. But what am I going to do?" Sadie: "Wife Swap? That gives me an idea! I'll go on your show. I've, uh, always wanted to be a TV star." Producer: "Are you a married woman?" Sadie: "I am." Producer: "And do you have any kids?" Sadie: "I have one of my own, but my husband has three kids from a previous marriage." Producer: "Step-kids? I like the sound of that. All I need to do now is get another family for you to swap with." Sadie: "Oh, we could just swap with my coworker's family. I'm sure they'll agree to it." Producer: "Uh, okay, how many kids do they have?" Sadie: "Two." Producer: "Perfect. Go tell your coworker that his family is going to be on the next episode, and bring him and his family to me." (Scene cuts to Sadie knocking on the door of Nat's house) Nat: "Hello? Oh, hi Sadie." Sadie: "Heyyy, Nat. You won't believe what happened today!" Nat: "What happened?" Sadie: "Well, while I was eating lunch today, a producer for the show Underwater Wife Swap asked if your family and my family wanted to be in the brand new episode! Isn't that great?" Shubie: "Is everything okay, honey?" Shubie walks over to the front door. Shubie: "Hi, Sadie, what are you doing here?" Nat: "A producer for the show Underwater Wife Swap wants our family and the Rechids to be in a new episode." Shubie: "Wife Swap? How long would me and Sadie swap for?" Sadie: "Oh, probably just a few days." Shubie: "A few days?! I don't know if I want to be away from Nat for that long." Shubie holds Nat's hand. Sadie: "Well, if your family appears on the show, the producer will pay us just enough money to allow us to repair Sadie's Cookies. Nat: "They'd give us enough money to repair the store? I don't know Shubie, this seems like a pretty good deal." Shubie: "Oh okay, I guess I won't be away from you for that long. And plus I'll just be right across the street." Sadie: "Perfect! I'll call the producer and tell him that you'll do it." Sadie walks away. (Scene cuts to the producer meeting with Nat, Shubie, Sadie and Fred) Producer: "Okay, so this is how it's going to work, Shubie will live with the Rechids for a few days, and Sadie will live with the Petersons. Now, as far as your jobs will go, Sadie will work at Shubie's job in the mall, and Fred will keep his normal job. Nat, I know that the store you and Sadie work at is under repair, so my team set up a desert stand at another area in the mall. And as for you, Shubie, I don't want you taking over Sadie's job at the store with Nat, because it will look odd having one of the wives that got swapped working with her actual husband. Sadie, are there any other jobs you've had besides working in Sadie's Cookies?" Sadie: "I used to be a nurse." Producer: "That's too dangerous. I don't want to be sued if Shubie screws up while being a nurse, and someone dies or something. Have you done anything else?" Sadie: "Well, I used to be an ice cream vendor so I could pay for college." Producer: "Perfect! Shubie, you will be an ice cream vendor. Alright now that we've covered everything, it's time for you ladies to swap families. We'll begin the show tomorrow morning." Sadie: "Sounds great!" Fred and Shubie walk into Fred's house, and Nat and Sadie walk into Nat's house. (Scene cuts to Shubie waking up the next day and walking downstairs into the kitchen) Fred: "Shubie! Where's my breakfast? You're going to make me late for work!" Shubie: "Sorry, Fred. I'll make some toast right away." Shubie gets two pieces of bread and walks towards the toaster. Monroe and Tommy run past Shubie causing her to drop the bread. Shubie: "Monroe! Tommy! What are you two doing?" Monroe: "Where's our cereal?" Shubie: "It's on the table!" Monroe: "Sadie always pours it for us!" Shubie: "Just pour it yourselves! Can't you see I'm busy here!" Shubie sees Debbie Rechid sitting at the table on her phone. Shubie: "Debbie, could you pour your brothers some cereal?" Debbie: "I can't right now! Can't you see that I'm in the middle of texting someone?" Baby Rechid starts crying. Shubie: "Oh no, don't cry." Shubie runs over to Baby Rechid and puts a bottle of milk in her mouth. Baby Rechid begins to suck on the bottle and stops crying. Fred: "Where's my breakfast, Shubie?!" (Scene cuts to Nat waking up and walking into the kitchen) Sadie: "Good morning, Nat! I'm just making some pancakes. They'll be done in a few minutes." Nat sits down. Sadie: "Would you like some milk?" Sadie places a glass of milk on the table. Nat: "Thanks, Sadie." Sadie: "You're welcome, Nat. Oh, it looks like your pancakes are ready!" Sadie puts some pancakes on Nat and Susie's plates, and puts a bottle of milk in Baby Billy's mouth before sitting down and getting some pancakes for herself. Sadie: "Wow, breakfast is so much easier here than at Fred's house!" Sadie, Nat and Susie finish eating their pancakes. Nat: "Those pancakes were great Sadie! Well, I'm off to work now, and I'd better take Susie to school today." Sadie: "Have fun at work today." Sadie kisses Nat on the cheek. Nat and Susie get up and walk away. (Scene cuts to Shubie dropping off Monroe and Tommy at the school) Shubie: "Thank Neptune those kids are gone for the day. I can't imagine how Sadie can handle those kids if they always act this way. Well, I guess it's time to go to work then." Shubie drives away. (Scene cuts to Nat working at the desert stand) Patty Rechid walks over to the stand. Patty: "One batch of cookies please." Nat: "Ok, coming right up. Sadie, one batch of cookies. Oh, that's right, she's not here. I'll get them in just a second." Nat disappears behind the stand and starts making some cookies. (Scene cuts to Sadie working at the check-out aisle) Sadie: "That'll be fifty dollars, ma'am." The woman hands her fifty dollars. Woman: "Oh, these baby clothes are so cute! I can't wait until the baby comes!" The woman rubs her pregnant stomach. Sadie: "That's great. Next!" The woman walks away. Sadie: "This is so boring! How does Shubie enjoy working here? Well soon I'll be at home with Nat so it won't matter." Sadie looks at a picture of Nat on Shubie's desk affectionately. Sadie: "Oh, Nat. He's so dreamy." Martha Smith: "Excuse me, do you think that this dress looks good on me?" Sadie ignores her and continues to stare at the picture of Nat. Sadie: "Yeah, yeah, great." Martha: "Really? Well then I'll take it." Martha hands her the dress, and Sadie checks it out and gives it back to her while still looking at the picture of Nat. Martha walks away. (Scene cuts to a huge line at the desert stand) Patty(looks are her watch): "Where are the cookies I ordered? I've been waiting here for 15 minutes!" Nat: "Here are the cookies you ordered Patty." Nat hands Patty a tray full of cookies. Patty: "Thank you so much! Have a great day!" Patty walks away. Evelyn: "Where are my brownies?" Frank: "Where's my cake?" Nat: "I'm sorry everyone, the rest of the food will be ready in about 20 minutes." Evelyn: "20 minutes?! That's way too long!" The crowd becomes very restless. Nat: "Uh, I'll go check if I have something in the back!" Nat runs away and disappears behind the stand again. (Scene cuts to Shubie working at an ice cream stand) Mabel and Billy walk up to the stand. Mabel: "What would you like Billy?" Billy: "One large scoop of chocolate and one large scoop of vanilla please." Shubie: "Ok, coming right up." Shubie puts a scoop of chocolate ice cream and a scoop of vanilla ice cream on a cone and hands it to Billy. Shubie: "That'll be four dollars." Mabel gives Shubie four dollars and starts to walk away with Billy. Mabel: "Oh no, did you drop it?" Mabel walks back towards Shubie. Mabel: "Sorry to bother you, but my son dropped his ice cream. Could you make him another?" Shubie: "Sure, that'll be four dollars." Mabel: "Four dollars?! Can't you just give him a new one for free?" Shubie: "I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to do that. No free refills." Mabel: "Hey! This isn't a refill! My son just dropped his ice cream so give him a new one!" Shubie: "I'm sorry, but I can't." Mabel: "Fine! Then I want a refund! I'll take my son to a different ice cream store." Shubie: "Ok." Shubie is about to give the money back to Mabel, but a woman walks over to the stand Shubie: "Can I help you?" Woman: "Do you know what time it is? I'm trying to catch the 4:15 bus to New Kelp City." Shubie(looks at her watch): "It's 4:00 now." Woman: "Thanks." The woman walks away. Shubie: "You're welcome. 4 o'clock! That means that the ice cream stand is closed." Shubie puts the money back in the cash register, and closes the stand. Mabel: "Where's my refund?" Shubie: "I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to give refunds or do any type of business after 4. It's a company policy. Mabel: "Are you kidding me? I demand that you either give me a refund or give my son another chocolate and vanilla ice cream!" Underwater Wife Swap Announcer: "What will Shubie do next? You'll find out when we return to Underwater Wife Swap!" (Scene fades to black as if advertisements are about to be shown) The screen cuts back to Mabel and Shubie at the ice cream stand. Mabel: "If you don't give me a refund right now I'm complaining to your boss!" Shubie: "No! Don't complain to my boss!" Mabel: "Then give me a refund!" Shubie: "Alright I'll make your son a new chocolate and vanilla ice cream for free. But you can't let anyone about this okay?" Shubie makes Billy another ice cream. Shubie: "Here you go, have a nice day." Shubie hands Mabel the ice cream. Mabel(sarcastically): "Yeah, you too." Mabel and Billy walk away. (Scene cuts to Nat working at the desert stand) Nat hands Evelyn some brownies. Evelyn: "Finally!" Evelyn takes a bite of one of brownies. Evelyn: "Ouch, my tooth! I waited in line for an hour for brownies that are burned!" Evelyn throws a brownie towards Nat as he hands Frank a cake. Frank: "Happy anniversary, sweetie." Frank takes the cake from Nat and the brownie hits him in the face. Frank drops the cake and it smashes into Nancy's face. Frank: "Hey! You can't do that to my wife!" Frank throws a chunk of cake at Evelyn, but Evelyn ducks and part of the cake hits a woman's baby. Woman: "My baby!" The woman throws a cupcake at Frank and it hits him in the face. Scooter: "Food fight!" Scooter smashes a pie into Evelyn's face, and everyone starts throwing food at each other. Nat ducks under the desert stand for cover. (Scene cuts to Sadie restocking boxes of shoes) Sadie(looks at her watch): "Only a few more minutes of this stupid job, and then I get to spend the rest of the night with Nat!" Martha: "Hey! You're the one who sold me this dress, and I want a refund!" Sadie: "What?!" Martha: "Oh, don't what me! You lied to me and told me that I looked great in this dress. Well Tom told me that it made me look fat!" Sadie: "I'm sorry, but there's a no refund policy in this store." Martha: "Fine then I'll go talk to the manager about how you're a terrible employee!" Sadie: "No please don't talk to the manager!" Martha: "Then give me a refund!" Sadie: "I can't give you a refund, but I guess I could give something else in exchange for that dress." Martha: "Like what?" Sadie: "How about this pearl necklace? I know how much you love jewelry." Martha: "I do love jewelry, but is that necklace really worth the seven hundred dollars I spent on this dress?" Sadie: "Well, uh, I could always throw in this wig too." Martha: "A wig? Why would I need that?" Sadie: "To cover up that hideous forehead of yours." Martha hits Sadie in the face with her purse. Martha: "Fine, I'll do it." Martha gives Sadie the dress, and Sadie gives Martha the wig and the necklace. (Scene cuts to the food fight at the desert stand) Nancy throws a cupcake that goes straight towards the woman's baby. Woman: "My baby!" The woman grabs her baby and jumps out of the way of the cupcake. Woman: "Nobody throws a cupcake at my baby!" The woman throws a pie at Nancy and it hits her in the face. Frank: "No one throws a cake at my wife!" Frank throws a cookie at the woman, but she dodges it. Woman(looks at her watch): "Hey! The new episode of Underwater Wife Swap is on live right now!" Frank: "Live?! Come on, honey, let's go!" Frank and Nancy run away. The food fight stops and everyone walks away happily. Nat: "Phew! I thought that would never end!" Nat puts a closed sign on the stand and walks away. (Scene cuts to Sadie driving home from the mall) Sadie: "Finally work is over! I can't wait to go back home and have a romantic evening with Nat!" Sadie pulls into Nat's driveway and walks into the house. Sadie: "Hi, Nat! I just got back from work!" Nat: "Great! You're just in time to come to Susie's baseball game with us!" Sadie: "Susie has a baseball game today? Oh well, I guess our romantic evening will have to wait until later." Sadie, Nat and Susie get into Nat's car and drive away. (Scene cuts to Shubie pulling into Fred's driveway across the street) Shubie: "Hello, I'm home from work! Tommy and Monroe, are you two ready for the game today?" Tommy: "Yeah, we are!" Shubie: "Perfect! Alright, everyone let's go to the game!" Fred, Shubie, Monroe and Tommy get into Shubie's car and drive away. (Scene cuts to Shubie arriving at the game) Shubie: "Alright, team! Bring it in! Today we will be playing New Kelp City. Here's the lineup for the game." The producer walks over to the dugout. Producer: "Not so fast, Shubie! You can't coach the team today." Shubie: "What? Then who will?" Producer: "Sadie of course!" The producer takes off Shubie's hat and puts it on Sadie's head. Shubie walks over to the stands and sits next to Fred. Fred hands her Baby Rechid. Fred: "She needs a diaper change." Shubie: "What? Why don't you change her diaper?" Fred: "Because that's your job! Sadie always takes care of the baby." Shubie: "Ugh, fine, I'll do it. Wait, where's Debbie why can't she do it?" Fred: "Debbie's looking after the Petersons' baby right now." Shubie grabs Baby Rechid and walks towards the restrooms. (Scene cuts to Sadie trying to coach the team) Shelly: "What's the lineup?" Sadie: "Uh... Hey, Martha! What's the lineup that Shubie normally uses?" Martha: "Oh, our first batter is usually-" The producer covers Martha's mouth with his hand. Producer: "Haven't you guys ever heard of drama? She can't just tell you the lineup, you have to make one yourself." Sadie: "Ok, uh, think! I've come to every game this season, surely I must've payed enough attention to remember the batting order!" (Scene cuts to a flashback of Sadie sleeping during a game) Sadie: "Maybe that's why I'm having trouble remembering this. Ok, I'll just have to make a new one. But how will I? Oh I know! I'll do the batting order as list of the kids who have the hottest fathers! Ok so Susie's obviously first. Then it's..." Sadie looks around at the team and the parents in the stands. Sadie: "Is Fred really the second hottest father in town? Huh, it really makes you think that you should be lucky for what you have. Oh who am I kidding, I'm pretty much married to Nat now! Alright, so Tommy and Monroe will bat second and third. I guess Isabel will bat fourth. The smaller Billy will bat fifth, the taller Billy will bat sixth. And Shelly, Tyler and Taylor will bat seventh, eighth and ninth." Tyler: "What are our positions?" Sadie: "Uh, well let's see here... Taller Billy is the tallest so he'll play first. Small Billy is a little fat so he'll catch. Shelly's a little round too so she'll play third. Susie's kind of small so she'll play second. Isabell can play shortstop, I guess Tyler, Monroe and Tommy can play in the outfield." Taylor: "What about me?" Sadie: "Oh, uh, I guess you'll be our pitcher." Taylor: "What? I don't know how to pitch." Sadie: "Oh relax, it's not like New Kelp City's any good anyway. What's the worst that could happen?" (Scene cuts to Shubie walking back over to the stands with Baby Rechid) Shubie: "Did I miss anything?" Fred: "No, the game just started." Shubie: "Great! Wait a minute, is that Taylor pitching?! He doesn't know how to pitch! What is Sadie doing!" Taylor throws the ball and the New Kelp City batter hits it. Announcer: "And that ball is going... going... gone! New Kelp City hits a home run on the first pitch of the game!" Shubie: "Alright, well that was only one run. I'm sure that we can come back, especially if Sadie uses the same batting order that I always do." Announcer: "And New Kelp City hits another home run! The score is now 2-0! Make that 3-0 as New Kelp City hits another home run!" Taylor throws a pitch, and the New Kelp City batter swings and misses. Umpire: "Strike One!" Taylor throws another pitch and the batter swings and misses. Umpire: "Strike Two!" Taylor throws a third pitch and the batter swings and misses, but the ball goes past Small Billy. The batter runs to first base, and Billy trips over his catching gear and falls down. The batter runs to second, and Billy throws it to Isabel. Isabel drops the ball and the batter runs to third. Susie picks up the ball. Shubie: "Throw it to home, Susie!" The batter rounds third base and runs towards home plate. Susie throws the ball to home, and Billy tries to tag the batter. Umpire: "Safe!" (Scene cuts to the end of the first inning) Announcer: "And at the end of the inning, New Kelp City leads 4-0." Shubie: "It's okay, I'm sure we can still come back." Susie walks up to the plate. The pitcher throws the ball, and Susie bunts. The pitcher easily picks up the ball, and throws Susie out at first. Shubie: "That's weird. Why would Sadie tell Susie to bunt on the first pitch of the game?" Tommy gets up to the plate while Monroe warms up in the batters box. Shubie: "Why are Tommy and Monroe batting second and third. They should never bat that high." Fred: "Hey!" Shubie: "Oops, sorry, I forgot you were sitting there." Tommy and Monroe both strike out. Shubie: "We can still comeback, all we need to do is stop New Kelp City from scoring this inning." Announcer: "Home run! New Kelp City now leads 5-0!" Shubie(sighs): "Never mind." (Scene cuts to New Kelp City scoring a lot of runs while all the parents leave the stands until only Nat, Shubie and Fred are left) Announcer: "And New Kelp City wins 16-2! This is a devastating loss for Bikini Bottom as this puts them in a tie for first place with this red hot New Kelp City team." Shubie: "Well at least it's finally over. Come on, Fred, let's go home" Shubie wakes Fred up, and she, Fred, Monroe, Tommy and Baby Rechid begin to drive home. Shubie: "Do you guys want to eat at the Krusty Krab tonight?" Fred: "Absolutely not! The Krusty Krab is for slobs!" Shubie: "But I see you eating there all the time Fred." Fred: "Well I don't want to eat at the Krusty Krab! I want to eat at home!" Shubie(sighs): "Okay." Shubie drives down the road and pulls into Fred's driveway. Shubie grabs Baby Rechid and she, Fred, Tommy and Monroe walk into Fred's house. Shubie: "What would you like for dinner?" Fred: "You haven't made dinner yet?! I'm starving!" Shubie: "What? How could I have made dinner? I just got home from Monroe and Tommy's baseball game!" Fred: "I don't know, you should've figured it out!" Fred walks into another room and begins to watch TV. Shubie walks into the kitchen and sees a bunch of dirty dishes in the sink. Shubie: "Debbie, can you clean these dishes?" Debbie: "Can't you see I'm taking pictures right now? These selfies aren't going to post themselves!" Shubie sighs and begins to take some food out of the refrigerator. Shubie: "Where are the pots and pans?" Debbie: "They're up there." Debbie points at a cabinet on the top of the wall. Shubie(sighs): "That's way too high for me to reach it." Shubie pulls out a stool and stands on top of it while she gets a pot. Monroe and Tommy run into the kitchen and begin to toss a football to each other from opposite sides of the room. Shubie: "Stop throwing the football in the house, boys. You could hurt someone or break something." Monroe and Tommy don't listen and continue to throw the football back and forth to each other. Shubie: "There's the pot I'm looking for!" The football hits Shubie's stool as she takes the pot out of the cabinet. Shubie falls onto the ground and the pot falls onto her, covering her face. Shubie takes the pot off of her. Fred(from the other room): "Shubie, the baby needs a diaper change again!" Shubie: "That's it!" Shubie grabs Debbie's phone out of her hand. Shubie: "Stop taking stupid pictures of yourself and clean the dishes!" Shubie grabs the football from Monroe and Tommy. Shubie: "Stop playing with the football and set the table for dinner!" Fred walks into the kitchen. Fred: "Hey! Stop yelling at my kids!" Shubie: "And as for you! Why don't you help out for once and start making the dinner instead of lying on the couch and watching TV! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take care of the baby." Shubie walks out of the room. (Scene cuts to Shubie and the Rechids eating dinner) Fred: "Wow, this pasta is delicious! We're sorry, Shubie, maybe we should help out a little more, and stop complaining." Shubie: "It's okay, as long as you start helping out more." Shubie and the Rechids happily finish their dinner. (Scene cute to Nat's house) Sadie: "Good night, Susie." Susie: "Good night." Sadie turns off the light in Susie's room and goes downstairs. Nat: "Dinner was great Sadie. You really are a great mother." Sadie: "Thanks, you're a really great father too. It's so much easier to take care of your kids than it is to take care of Fred's." Nat: "Thanks, Shubie really raised them well, but I'm sure you would've raised them well too if you were their mother." Sadie(blushes): "And I'm positive that you would've raised my baby well if you were her father. We would make a great couple." Nat: "Yeah, I guess we would. Do you want to watch some TV?" Sadie: "Oh, I'd love to!" Nat turns on the TV and Sadie snuggles up next to him on the couch. Sadie: "You know, Nat, there's something I've been meaning to tell you for a long time." Nat: "What's that?" Sadie: "Well I... I love-" Producer: "Cut! And that's it guys, the swap is over!" Sadie: "What? But we haven't even swapped for a full day!" Producer: "Yeah, but during that time we've had problems with one of the families, many problems with work, a problem with the baseball game, and even a heartwarming resolution. We just need to cut out this last part here that was pretty unimportant, and we should be all good for the episode!" The producer opens the door and Shubie walks in. Shubie runs over to Nat and hugs him. Shubie: "Oh Nat, I've missed you so much! You don't know what it was like living with the Rechids!" Nat: "I missed you so much too, Shubie. I never want to be apart from you again." Sadie: "But Nat, I never got to tell you that... (sigh) do things ever go my way?" (Scene ends) Category:Episodes Category:Transcripts Category:Episode Transcripts Category:HippoHead Category:2017